Be Curious. Not Judgmental.

Please allow me to retrace a bit of personal history. The “October surprise” that was the Access Hollywood tapes, released just weeks before the 2015 election, was dismissed by many Republicans as an attempt to discredit Trump and ensure Hillary Clinton’s election to the highest office. It was shrugged off by many as a “political ploy” and that “Bill Clinton said worse” or “boys will be boys”.

For me personally, like many, as a victim of #metoo, I had a physical reaction of disgust. In my gut, to say I was sick would be an understatement. I was wrecked. And yet, I kept this silent because of shame. And what I couldn’t believe was Christian leaders…MEN…that were basically saying it was ok. They said “we can look past that because he’s OUR nominee”. They said we can dismiss this character “flaw” because we need a strong MAN in the white house. We couldn’t possibly elect “that woman” over this obviously gifted businessMAN who gets things done. And HEY, Mike Pence will keep him in line. He’s a good GUY! This was the message we were to embrace if we labeled ourselves Christian, and we were expected to fall in line. And somehow in spite of my own thoughts and feelings, I “believed” them and remained silent publicly, while also peddling these lies with my own children! That part is true shame I am still working through. Really.

These were CHRISTIAN leaders I respected. These were Christian WOMEN as well that were “standing by their man” that I thought I respected, admired, and listened to. There was also an outcry against it from some Christian leaders as well that I respected, like Beth Moore, and this honestly surprised me but in the end many others that may have thought about speaking up, quieted down for the sake of not handing things over to the “liberals”. And we’re finding out now that MANY Republicans are NOT actually in support of Trump but felt trapped by the options. Personally I find that cowardice, but honestly, I was no different at the time.

Let’s be clear, the physical response I had of disgust for Trump was already 10 fold deep in my gut about Hillary. I had watched the TV and Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial as a young person and lost all respect for him, and this was especially strong because not only was I a Republican who had learned the message somewhere that basically liberals are evil, I had kept my #metoo secret for so long already and this is all I knew to do. But my disdain for Bill was worse for Hillary because she stayed with him.

Side note: you would think that I would actually have the opposite and feel sorry for her and later I gave her some credit for also giving him grace, which is what “good” Christian women do I guess, but I also had the opinion that she stayed with him for selfish political reasons and so I had made up my mind I couldn’t vote for her. EVER. It’s funny that I see now how we get thoughts stuck in our heads and have trouble seeing a way around them, isn’t it? I have come to wonder now, with a mind that has been opened, “is this how I have always allowed men to have power over me?” Are there other Christian Republican women like me, trying to escape what they KNOW in their hearts that conflict with what they “know” in their minds?

Something interesting had already started happening for me though many years before. A fracturing of my world view was occurring in my mind during the process of adopting our daughter through CPS in 2009-10. It was probably happening in a way long before that because of the tug to adopt for many years, but I was clearly blind to it. I attribute this now in hindsight actually to my codependency and #metoo victim mentality. I had been groomed to keep my victimhood silenced. I had convinced myself that I had to just bear the burden of my shame alone because it was my duty as a Christian to “forgive and let go.” I had reconciled long ago as a 12 year old that my understanding of what had happened to me was “minor” because it wasn’t defined as rape, or it was just another form of “boys will be boys”, and keeping family secrets and don’t rock the boat, or if it appears you can’t reconcile with someone then it means that you are not trusting the power of what God can do in your life. I believed all of that.

I need to say here that I have an amazing husband who has allowed me to be free to be ME for 31 years of marriage and almost 35 years together. He is my “safe place”. He is not threatened by my desire to be strong and independent. He is not weakened by my womanhood and having strong opinions. He is not made to feel inferior when I take the lead on something. He doesn’t feel like I am making him less of a man or small by my empowerment. It is actually quite the opposite. He supports me and lifts me up, and it is actually ME that has tried to make him something that he is not at times with “expectations”. It is ME that has struggled with being what I believed I was supposed to be, based on this idea that the “man is head of the family”. He has the view that we are equals. We are partners in raising our children. He is my most loyal and trusted confident. He is the real deal when it comes to being on the side of women empowerment and we have been on this journey together. He has been extremely instrumental in showing me it was ok to come out of the mold of “biblical womanhood” that I had always believed was defined for me. And it is without a “need” to bash men or make them the bad guys in our efforts to raise up women voices. This is a huge factor in my story of growth. I know that not all women have this and I feel very lucky.

As we began the foster/adoption process, God was very clearly showing me while we were taking our classes and gradually over the five years that followed, giving me the nudge to be curious. I heard the message “do you see that THESE people over here are hurting?” and “Look Shelley, do you see that I care about THOSE people, while many of those that say they love me are ignoring them?” but I would deny it, and even hide it from anyone, for almost 10 years, thinking what really can I do? I was only able to see it from a limiting perspective of what I knew. I would notice, and recognize that something was pulling my heart strings one way to be concerned about what I thought EVERY Christian should care about, while simultaneously it was apparent that according to those I knew, you only voted one way if you were on our side, and only if you were a “good” Christian. So it didn’t make sense that there was a different way to see it. It seemed so odd to me though that so many Christians I knew cared about adoption, and yet didn’t seem to be concerned one bit to connect the dots with how these kids were in the system in the first place. I allowed feelings of shame to limit my voice and dismiss this notion that I would be “allowed” to think something different than all the other Christians in my life.

I began to see that there was a crisis exploding in the foster care system and in the courts. I wondered why all these kids are HERE??? I also saw that kids were aging out and had NO ONE. I took a church job in 2015, to “escape” public education, thinking I was burned out (which is a bad reason to take a job in ministry!) which I fully believed was God rescuing me, and ironically coincides with the world view crisis that was going on in my mind with the onset of a shift in what was going on in our family. I thought I might be having a bit of a breakdown because I knew God was doing something and it was scary, but I didn’t know how to stop it so I was figuring out every day how to just keep going. I met some new people, from different areas of my life, that I fully believe God brought into my life to shift my thinking from rescuing through adoption to ask the singular question, “WHY are all these kids IN the foster care system?” The seeds of curiosity were in full swing.

But I was so focused on my own family and keeping up appearances I hadn’t ever stopped to investigate the hairline fractures that were occurring in my world view. In a way everything was splintering but I was still trying to duct tape it all together with a smile on my face because I had learned the message from my childhood to create “smoke and mirrors” and survive with an “It will all work out!” attitude. I still believe that message over all things, but I was not being true to myself.

As a teacher, that stepped away from education for a bit, I also began to see that we were ignoring the fact in Texas, for example, that there was a deficit in public education spending, In 2013 Gov. Rick Perry said he would use the rainy day fund for roads and infrastructure, but not for schools. Many of our lawmakers wanted to take money away from schools and put money in their pockets through charter schools. We were seeing more gun violence and reports of police shootings on the news. I began to see that my church made it a priority to provide many opportunities for people to go on mission trips to far away places but we were ignoring some of the people right in our community. Oh we were doing things, but only projects we could control and what I call “the shiny projects” that appeal to the people with money. We weren’t as a church that concerned with the number of people that felt like they lived in the wrong neighborhood or went to the wrong university or didn’t have their kids in the right scout troop or were living a “life in sin”. I even went on a mission trip to France of all places which sounds fancy. I believe we need to care for all of God’s people no matter where they are so I’m not dismissing the importance of that journey and it was in fact VERY instrumental for me seeing a broader world view. I began to wonder what the little black and brown boys and girls I taught in my classroom thought about these issues. I wondered what their families thought of me, their white music teacher and if I even cared. I wanted to care, like REALLY care, and SHOW that I care, but didn’t know how. I wondered if God was trying to tell me to DO something about these problems or just focus on being a “good teacher” and a “good mom” and a “faithful church attender”. All these things led up to the election of 2015.

I literally couldn’t imagine voting democrat before Trump. I knew a few Christians that had confessed to being democrats but it didn’t make sense to me. It didn’t line up. I thought they were either pretending to be Christian or pretending to…I don’t know…I couldn’t reconcile it in my mind. I also have two very good friends who have had progressive views and distrust of the messages they’ve received from “church people” the entire time I’ve known them for over 30 years now, and never once have I felt judged for my outspoken conservative views, and yet I realize now that I had basically put them in this same category of “liberals are evil” when I knew perfectly well they were not! I would put all democrats in this one column, while simultaneously saying to myself “oh, but they aren’t like that!” I was being a hypocrite of my own views!

I look back and think “how could I have seen all these things, all these road markers, that were literally taking me on a different path of “love my neighbor” and the TRUE gospel of Jesus Christ as I see it and I didn’t know HOW to make sense of it?” The curiosity was there but I was afraid. How could I have been so blind?

Curiosity has actually SAVED me.

I’ll tell you why. The fracturing of evangelicalism had also been happening already for many years with the onset of “Christian Nationalism” (read “Jesus and John Wayne” by Kristen Kobes Du Mez to be enlightened!) and there was no way to recover except to acknowledge the fracture and embrace a united future of speaking up against it so that God might be the ONE to actually repair what we have broken. For me, I came to an intersection of living in my TRUTH or living a lie.

And simultaneously I received extreme backlash from family and friends who think I have fallen off the wagon into a black hole of blasphemy. They make me feel like I’M the one that has become “lost” and out of touch with what God is doing. Oh contraire mon frere! God and I are GOOD. We’re better than we’ve ever been. And what is truly remarkable is that for the first time ever in my 53 years, I am allowing Him to be the one to heal my broken heart. It is HIM that has been the one to pursue me and remind me that He cares about my mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health MORE than who I vote for. He cares about ME. And He cares about His people. ALL His people. He is transforming my mind to equip me to DO what He is calling me to DO. I can’t say that is true for those Christians in my life who have become angry because I am outspoken now against Trump and the Texas Republicans who are making life so difficult for so many. God is FOR me, so really, who can be against me? But it doesn’t feel like there are many in my former circle of conservatives that are FOR me.

Kristen Du Mez writes about the brokenness of evangelism in great detail in her book “Jesus and John Wayne”. An eye opening read. Truly. Tara Westover also writes about the conflict and perspective of dueling realities in her book “Educated”. Her perspective especially has rocked my world because of navigating the dynamics between educating yourself on multiple perspectives and reconciling that with family and others’ limiting beliefs. What a balm for my soul this has been with handling estrangement and learning to embrace agency over my own thoughts! Beth Allison Barr writes about “Biblical Womanhood”. What an education, and what a gift I’m still wrapping my mind around through much deconstruction! Brene’ Brown taught me to “Brave the Wilderness” and to not be afraid to create my own community. Rachel Held Evans showed me there is hope in “Searching for Sunday”. Jen Hatmaker writes about self empowerment in “Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire” and showed me through loving her gay daughter unconditionally that God loves me fully, EVERY MOLECULE, Just the way I am. That isn’t just about being gay, it’s a message for ALL of us. Beth Moore called out and spoke up against the huge fracture that has happened in the Southern Baptist Church that she has now denounced. Beth, who lives in my city, who I have admired for years from just down the road (it feels like!), who has been a fierce leader of my developing faith for decades, who has modeled for me conviction for loving Jesus in this crazy world, who actually is the one that turned me on to Jen Hatmaker, which set me on a path to therapy with BetterHelp.com and to the rest of these amazing authors, quite honestly. Then in turn I have found community with groups like “Evolving Faith” and the podcast “Pantsuit Politics”. I’m learning to parent myself and be a better teacher with Dr. Becky at Good Inside, and SharonSaysSo on Instagram is a daily vitamin with a fresh take on world events and history I never miss. And I could literally go on and on about what I am learning from Austin Channing Brown and Lisa Sharon Harper and LaTasha Morrison and a ton of others I am beginning to read and seek to know and gain understanding from as those with a different life experience, learning so much history that was kept hidden from me. Some might say that these and others have “brainwashed” me. Well, it’s actually true in the BEST way. Curiosity has actually SAVED me. And I am just beginning this journey. I’m just getting started.

What I have gained from these WOMEN was perspective and freedom. I’m an enneagram 7 but my 5 in growth mindset has gone NUTS during the pandemic and over the last few years. I mean seriously. I have become a sponge, questioning EVERYTHING I’ve ever known, and soaking in knowledge and history I never knew. I’m reading authors I never would have read before. I’m following people on social media I never would have heard of without being open to another viewpoint. I’m not saying I believe all the views of everyone I’m following. I’m not saying I ascribe to all their viewpoints and take on the issues. I’m not saying I think they are doing everything right or have all the answers. I’m taking it in, chewing on it a while, seeking counsel with the Holy Spirit, and deciding if it resonates as truth. It’s like I cleaned out the closet of my brain, removing everything and I’m only putting back what I really believe is worthy of keeping.

And I’m facing my dark past too. But I’m embracing it as a friend. I’m giving myself a lot of grace to heal the wounds of my past. I’m learning to let it bubble up instead of hide it away so that God is the one to hold it WITH me as an important part of who I am. God doesn’t condone the bad things that have happened to me or the times when I have fallen short, but He says that it MATTERS. The good, bad, and the ugly are a part of me! So I will embrace all of it and call it growth. I am better for it because God takes our sh*t and grows flowers. He creates beauty out of a big pile of doodoo. And He raises up new life from the ashes.

So yes, America. I believed the lie that in order to be a “good” Christian I had to vote Republican. And my purpose today is to say I’m sorry I ever voted with a lack of knowledge that it was “Ok” to follow my heart and see the heartbreak that breaks God’s heart, not allowing myself to feel free to vote a different way than those around me. I am here to share the HOPE that if I can change, others can to. We need to keep sharing our stories of curiosity and transformation and authenticity and TRUTH because there are MANY that are hurting, but there is HOPE that change is in our future. I’m here to say that CURIOSITY is something to not be afraid of. Curiosity is gaining perspective and can unite us in the best way. And YOU my friend need to know that if you have found there are fractures in what you have always known, and with the relationships and people that you thought had the answers then it’s ok to acknowledge that curiosity and have courage. Have COURAGE to embrace your curiosity, your true thoughts, and be ok with going against the flow. Be ok with asking the questions and allowing some different ideas to meditate in your mind. Different ideas don’t have to be scary or “corrupt” you. A different interpretation of scripture doesn’t have to mean we are discounting the power and authority of the Bible. New ideas can be GOOD.

Bottom line: Be Curious. Not Judgmental. Don’t let FEAR determine who you vote for or be swayed by those who peddle hate and call it “being Christian” or that being FOR or against something defines your worth as a person. I will no longer be a part of that. There IS another way. Don’t be afraid of someone sharing with you that they see scripture or an issue from a different angle. I mean, we have FOUR gospels for a reason! Democrats don’t have it all figured out either, and not all Republicans are bad people, but being Democrat isn’t really as scary as I was led to believe 🙂 I’m paving my own path with God at the helm, into the unknown, as curious as ever where He might be taking me. It might look like I’m going against the flow, swimming upstream, but I’m all in, for the ride of my life!

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

***I want to make clear that as an ally of BIPOC and the LGBTQ+ community, and the #metoo movement, I would never want to imply that I know what it’s like to live in someone else’s shoes or fully understand their life experience, or that I have ever had it “worse off” than anyone else. This is simply MY story and my attempt to encourage others through humbly sharing it.

***photo credit: Jessica Jack