November is National Adoption Month, and while we celebrate many things this time of year, it’s easy to get distracted by the Thanksgiving holidays, preparations for Christmas, and the endless Black Friday deals that seem to start earlier every year. Personally, I think starting the month with an election and the ongoing division among family and friends has further distracted me from focusing on gratitude—but I’m working on improving my attitude.
That’s why I think it’s important to talk about the connection between adoption and grief. I should mention that I’ve been processing some grief not just this month, but it’s been an ongoing struggle for several years. It took me a couple of weeks to realize what it was. Loss doesn’t always mean death. Grief can show up with the loss of a relationship, a dream, an opportunity, or even due to something like a natural disaster beyond our control. There have been times in the past when I was grieving without even realizing it. I’d find myself thinking, What’s wrong with you? Just get over it already! Why are you making this such a big deal? Time to move on! The truth is, I struggled to move on when I tried to suppress my feelings or when I felt pressured to be “grateful” or “positive.”
I’ve learned that the sooner I accept myself and acknowledge all my feelings—the deep, dark and even ugly ones included—the easier it is to bring them to the surface, process them, and find a way to move forward.
So what does this all this have to do with adoption?
A significant part of my mental health journey—and some of the grief I’m still processing about important relationships—has come through the experience of fostering and adopting our daughter 14 years ago and what I’ve learned about MYSELF in the process. When she joined our family, it was like a wrecking ball— in the best way possible. Think about what happens when a wrecking ball demolishes a building: it’s necessary to clear the way for something new to be built on the strong foundation that remains. And if the foundation is shaky, well you need to find some stability before you can rebuild. That’s exactly what has happened in our family through not just our family’s experience with adoption, but also in reflecting what our adoption into the Body of Christ truly means for us and how we relate to one another. I often marvel at how much has changed since she came into our lives, and I realize I never would have known life from this perspective without her. There’s so much good to be thankful for!
It hasn’t been easy, and even painful for much of the journey. Not because she carries the burden of it all, but because she was the catalyst that ignited the change we needed. I had to question and rebuild some beliefs that were built on shaky foundations, and those had to come down so our whole family could rise above them. It’s also been glorious to see what God has done through us as we chose to follow Him. We took a risk, choosing her, knowing there was the potential for rejection, but we fully committed to her even through her struggles. And I had no idea the journey we would take or the blessings that would come from it! Now, watching her come full circle, choosing us as her family, and watching her thrive as an AMAZING mom herself, is a testament to the power of that commitment. Deep down, I hold on to the truth that God chose each of us first, and He’s committed to helping us grow and become everything He has envisioned for us.
This is the power of adoption. It’s a choice to love and be loved. It’s choosing your family, whether by blood or not. It’s loving someone even at their worst, but also LETTING THEM GO to choose their own path. It’s depending on God alone, understanding that He holds two truths for us: we are chosen and loved, no matter what, and He gives us the FREE WILL to choose Him back. We have the CHOICE to follow His lead and become, or to run away from doing the hard work because of fear. He has already modeled this for us, He lets us go and continually invites us to have a safe place to land. He IS the Prodigal God, always throwing a celebration when we return.
This is where my grief and adoption intersect as I reflect on my own adoption into the Body of Christ. There’s beauty in being chosen and in being given the freedom to become all God created me to be. But there’s also struggle in the process—wrestling with God, enduring the “refiner’s fire” as I work through the pain of not being protected, of past rejection, not being accepted, facing the fear of setting and holding boundaries, and embracing the identity of who I am becoming. It’s about the struggle to LET GO (or not) of others’ choices and deciding how I will respond, as I work through my grief of that loss. It’s also deciding that I can learn to be ok with being alone as I follow where God is leading because in reality, others may not want to follow and I’m right where I’m supposed to be when I am standing in HIS light. This daily process is a reminder of our own adoption, and the fact that we get a choice to stay or go. The bonus is finding the beauty and gratitude in what I am rebuilding, amongst the rubble and ashes.
That’s adoption. God takes what was broken and He restores, He makes new, He redeems, He connects, He rebuilds, He plants new seeds, He shows us acceptance and grace, and new pathways to redemption. He makes who we are ENOUGH.
If you are feeling the tug to foster or adopt, and you would like to talk about our experience with the foster care system as one pathway, I would be happy to listen, support, and cheer you on as you heed God’s call.
Shelley Harrington 