For the new dads and moms just beginning your journey and to those estranged from your adult children, and everything in between, here are 5 things to consider for a better, more healthy, fulfilling relationship with your children as they get older:
1. Be a SAFE dad, not just a “good”, loving dad. What I mean is, you can tell your kids you love them every day, go to their games and events, help them with homework, buy all the presents, and even hug them when they are sad, but if your children (including the adult ones) have to hide their true, authentic selves, and have to pretend to be something they’re not with you, they will not feel SAFE with you, and all the visits and phone calls will be from a place of obligation, not a desire for connection. When expectations of them with grades and success outcomes, or belief systems and lifestyle choices are more important to you than their character, their values, their hopes for their future, and caring about what THEY care about, then your relationship will be one of tradition and routine, not closeness. Transactional love does not breed true connection. It produces obligation and resentment. If you demonstrate a pattern of requirements/expectations over acceptance, you sever the roots that bind you together and your kids will struggle in all their relationships to try to repair what was broken. There is no AUTHENTIC attachment in any relationship without safety in identity. No, you don’t have to agree with their views or approve of their choices, but do they feel safe to work through it and wrestle with you about it? And I’ll take it one step further and encourage you to deal with your own crap. If you try to operate by hiding the patterns and wounds from your childhood, or past mistakes, and masquerade as something else with your kids, they will know it. If you try to use them to get your own needs met, (and this happens SOOOOOOO often in MOST families in countless ways) you will gift your garbage to the next generation, and they will hold onto it until someone chooses to stop the cycle and throw it away. Be developmentally appropriate with them of course, but be willing to unlearn and grow from your past, and be safely authentic with YOURSELF as well.
2. Celebrate EVERYTHING and light their path! It’s very simple in reality. You have the power to light your child’s candle every day instead of blowing it out or even taking it away. It’s a choice. While it is extremely valuable to allow and encourage other adults to mentor and nurture your child, you have the most power of anyone in your child’s life to build up, or tear down. I don’t mean you can’t express true emotions or give consequences. They need that too for sure! They need to see you as a real person with feelings and when they are disrespectful or lie, or break a trust, they need to know that this hurt or disappointed you. They need to learn HOW a healthy relationship works and how to build trust with others. They only learn this with REALITY, not smoke and mirrors. So you model for them that expectations come with being in their corner, building them up, instead of tearing down. You show them that you aren’t just the dad that does the yard work and picks them up from soccer practice, or sees them once a year at Christmas. You are the dad that looks them in the eye and shines bright with love, to light their candle, even when they blew it out themselves or the world tried to take it away completely. Be the dad that celebrates not just their achievements and good choices, as often as possible, but says you are not afraid of their sadness or fears. You are not afraid to sit with them through hard things neither of you understand. You are willing to look beyond their choices and see what they can become, giving them agency to figure it out. For crying out loud, make sure they know your love is not conditional of their beliefs or choices. Be the safe person that they will call, even from the jail cell. Let them fail. Let them sit with the natural consequences but be sure they know you’re not going anywhere. You make it about lighting their path instead of punishing their mistakes. And all the while you are steadfast in ensuring that you are standing by to light that candle again and again, when the world shows its dark side.
3. Own your mistakes and be willing to repair. For God sake, be humble enough to admit when you’re wrong. It’s actually not hard to just say “hey, I didn’t handle that well.” or “I messed up and I want to try to make it right.” Maybe no one modeled that for you, so be the first one. And even at a minimum, even if you believe you did nothing wrong, or you did the best you know how, or they are being a jerk, be willing to acknowledge that your kid may have a wound you don’t feel responsible for or fully understand. You are still the PARENT. Be willing to accept that just SEEING a person’s hurt, stating it’s presence, admitting perhaps you don’t understand it or know how to fix it, and being open to ideas on how to repair will do more for connection and teaching your kid right from wrong than a stubborn stronghold to being right or teaching “principles”. Have your principles and convictions of course, but isn’t it more important to have kids that call you when they need advice or support and even perhaps care about how you’re doing than sitting at home alone being right? Any genuine attempt at repair goes a long way and tears down walls. This is what every kid wants, whether they admit it or not. They want nothing to do with you? Don’t give up. A simple message of “I love you, I’m still here.” matters more than you think.
4. Treat the mothers (or fathers) of your children well. Sure, for some, this is not an issue. Healthy relationships do this already but this is more of an issue in the unhealthy ones. Listen, maybe you needed to separate from a toxic person and you’re now divorced. Maybe that parent should be no where near your kid. Maybe there are step parents or significant others that are also in a position of parenting your child. But if you agree to co-parent, and you are able, regardless of your intimate relationship, then commit to being ALL IN as a partner with the other parent. Don’t be an ass because you can, or because they did it first. Don’t put up with their abuse either. Walk away if needed, and be neutral if necessary, but model for your kids that you will not get in the way of allowing them a CHOICE to have the relationship with their parent that they want to try to have. If they are hurting your child, stand in to defend and protect, but don’t do it with hate. Hate just breeds more hate. Revenge breeds more violence and division. Be the one to stand your ground on the words, actions, and efforts to bring peace and prosperity. If needed, fight for the safety of your child in the courts, or disconnect from the situation completely. As previously stated, what can you do to light the path forward? Your relationship with your child is not conditional on the other parent, but your kids are watching how you treat others. Make it count.
5. Patriarchy hurts everyone. As much as many families have functioned for generation after generation with a hierarchical family system, it’s just not healthy parenting. Don’t come at me with your biblical scripture or cultural expectation because I’m a woman. You will NOT convince me that MY Bible requires me to be “less than” or hand over my worth and value just because of anatomy, or because you have more testosterone. This is not God’s plan for humanity. Yes, I’ve read all the same scriptures as you and I interpret them differently. I’m not ignoring the actual words. My perspective has been formed and shaped by the Holy Spirit and deep reflection of original language and context. I see a more inclusive plan for humanity. This patriarchal view is a human fabrication invented for the purpose of power and control, born from the same roots as bullies: pride, entitlement, and self image. That’s not easily explained in one post so let’s just start with an agreement that there are serious issues. I have a lot more to say but bottom line is that raising kids under this system breeds predators, victims, and violence against women AND men. Your adult kids may very well carry on your patriarchal legacy by becoming bullies, predators, or victims themselves. You may never see it in your relationship as you teach them to take over the world, prioritize an elevated status, and produce more victims, but no one experiences true authenticity in your relationships and thrives under a hierarchy umbrella. It will always lead to more harm than good. Lead from a genuine place of equity and love. A heart for service is the root of true leadership and authority. Toxic masculinity and patriarchal systems either continue into the next generation or stop with YOU.
All of this might sound like a tall order and unachievable goals, and it’s definitely not an exhaustive list, but if you consider that my generation and all those before were raised with “children do not speak unless spoken to, do what they’re told, and don’t get to have opinions”, we have the power to create new healthy patterns and a more affirming path forward. More and more research PROVES that adult mental health is primarily formed in childhood, with both positive and negative experiences and relationships. We can’t protect our kids from all the bad things and ZERO parents are perfect. In fact, most kids will grow up with some wounds they will later need to address in adulthood.
Mentally healthy adults feel they have agency over their life, are free to explore and express their true identity, have people in their circle they can trust and depend on, and have mutually fulfilling attachments with people that help affirm their worth and value in the world. But we all experience challenges that test our resilience and ability to bounce back and grow. WE have the power in our hands to create a more regulated, more emotionally stable, more secure and confident generation for the future. WE have the ability to break any chains that hold our us and our kids back from a brighter tomorrow. We have a choice.
Shelley Harrington 