A Cracked and Broken World, Where MY Long-Expected Jesus Shines

As we stepped into the season of Lent this last week, in a year that has much hope ahead after several years of so much grief, turmoil, and unknown, and yet still remains fully and firmly still IN the unknown, we need to talk about our expectations of what is to come. We need to talk about expectations because they often determine our feelings and reactions about a situation. And haven’t we all felt like our expectation was that things would be “back to normal” by now? and I am positive NONE of us were expecting Russia to be attempting to start WWIII. I have been disappointed over and over in my life because of wrong expectations but we have ALL had our fair share just in the last 2 years FOR REALZ!

Expectations are tricky business. If we expect the salt shaker to contain salt but it actually contains sugar, that will greatly alter the taste of what we put in our mouth, and therefore I would guess, create quite a surprise reaction, and most likely not a good one. Any jokesters out there like to pull the old switcheroo of the salt and sugar? Yeah, that’s not funny.

But what if we are supposed to be the salt and we aren’t actually living as our true selves? Hmmm….

Let me just back up a sec and say this: I was writing this to share almost two weeks ago and my expectation was to share a word of encouragement BEFORE we began a season of what I consider to be “an important season of sacrifice” to prepare our hearts with contemplation about what is to come. And things got complicated. There’s a war going on which has me all tied up in knots with worry honestly (I know I know, I’m not supposed to worry) because I know someone that was living in Ukraine, had to evacuate, and has been sharing personal stories that are just heartbreaking. Plus, my son is in the Navy in Japan and I just worry about him all the time, (YES, I KNOW, don’t worry!) so the war just heightened my awareness of the danger that ALL of our servicemen and women are facing around the world. My students at school have been extra bonkers for some reason (probably the news coverage??? Probably tik tok…) and I have come home with “fog brain” almost every day. AND, I started grad school last week, and let’s just be honest…it’s a whole new world when you haven’t been in school for 30 years, you have a full time job with a decent amount of stress, and your coursework is all online! And you have fog brain. YIKES! So there was expectation number one of myself already out the window. I didn’t finish writing all my Lenten thoughts and get them out before Lent began. Oh well. I’m choosing to let it go. I’m here now so buckle up.

Let’s start with what Lent is anyway and what our expectations are. Keep reading, I’m not going to get all academic on you. If you aren’t a Christian, or perhaps not Catholic or of one of the denominations that celebrates the season of Lent then you probably have zero expectations other then maybe participating in Mardi Gras or a pancake supper. You’ve maybe seen people with ashes on their foreheads before so you’ve probably heard of Ash Wednesday. Maybe some co-workers or neighbors have talked about not eating meat or things they’re giving up for Lent, but do you really know why?

I’m not really planning to get into all that because you can google it. What I really want to talk about and who I want to talk to are those that have expectations of the season of Lent and of Jesus’ Easter Story bringing some kind of transformation. What are we REALLY expecting to happen when we fast, or give up smoking, or don’t eat meat for the 6.5 weeks of the Lenten season? The point of Lent is to confess, to sacrifice, to give up pleasures and grow closer to God but do we really achieve our purpose? Or are we doing it for the sake of “tradition” or we are “supposed to”? Or maybe you aren’t really giving up anything this year because you are just super pumped that the Houston Rodeo is actually happening this year and that’s all you can think about??? (translation: beer and funnel cake)

Bring it in, people, bring it in. Let’s just muddle through a few thoughts, shall we?

I for one have often struggled with this idea of sacrifice. I grew up with the idea of “giving up” something for Lent, of going to pancake suppers on Fat/Shrove Tuesday (Mardi Gras), of going to Ash Wednesday service and getting the ashes smeared on my forehead, and preparing for Holy Week and the coming season of Easter, remembering the death and resurrection of Jesus. It’s just what we did. Looking back on my childhood these were traditions that I enjoyed taking part in and didn’t want to miss out on. But it wasn’t until a few years ago when I really started questioning everything I believe that I decided to take a deep look at why I do these things.

I started to wonder what my own expectations really are. Am I expecting some kind of transformation? Am I expecting Jesus to do something miraculous and life changing? Am I expecting Him to reveal Himself in new ways I hadn’t known before? Is something good going to happen to me because I gave something up for 40 days and demonstrated sacrifice? Am I EXPECTING anything or am I just DOING?

One of my favorite hymns is “Come Thou Long-Expected Jesus”. It has always been one that stirred my soul. I mean, seriously. Sometimes I cry while singing it. Today, it embodies where I am spiritually. Jesus’ death on a cross and resurrection that we remember and celebrate on Easter is the cornerstone of my faith but Christians talk so much about heaven and eternal life, and I have learned not to place my hope singularly in His Second Coming. Now, don’t freak out. I have a very firm grasp of what I believe and I believe the Second Coming is what we all hope for! But listen people, JESUS ALREADY CAME. Don’t miss this.

“Come Thou Long-Expected Jesus,
Born to set Thy people free.
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.”

The reason I say I don’t want to put all my hope eggs in the Second Coming Easter basket is that I want Resurrecting-Jesus to be the current reality of NOW. I want the Jesus who really came to save us from ourselves by FAITH, not the fabricated one who saves us from our enemies through government control. I want the Jesus, born to set us free from the constant cycle of striving to “be better”. Many Evangelical Christians set the expectation that Jesus “needs” us to sacrifice, come clean, get our act together, lose weight, give up smoking, wash our mouths out, and cover up those tattoos before we can approach the throne. For many, in my opinion, their talk makes Him sound like the same powerful conqueror of everybody-except-us that Israel was waiting for more than 2000 years ago. The David against Goliath type of King that they thought would free them of their oppression by the Romans. The leader that would demonstrate military and government power, We don’t need that conqueror now any more than they did. We need loving-Jesus, serving-Jesus, dying-Jesus resurrected in us and SHINING OUT for the world. That’s the REAL Jesus that is already standing up saying “Hi, I’m right here!”

We need the LONG expected Jesus to shine His light in the darkness through our cracks and brokenness TODAY. For it is THROUGH our cracks that HE will shine the brightest! Do we really have the expectation that we have to heal and spackle all those cracks and chips and broken pieces BEFORE we can be useful in His kingdom? Have we switched all our salt shakers to sugary sweet fakery? I am here to testify my friend that whoever is selling you that load of crap is gravely misinformed. They are selling it as “eternal life” but I’m here to testify that Jesus came for the ABUNDANT LIFE in the here and the RIGHT NOW. For when we try to hide our REAL selves and who we have become BECAUSE of this broken world and HIS work IN us, we are very broken indeed for we are hiding Jesus and what He is DOING in and through our lives!

Sisters and Brothers, Jesus has already come for the RELEASE of the working and striving so that we might find REST in Him. REST from the striving. REST from the trying so hard. REST from being good and perfect. Go ahead and fast if you feel it will bring you spiritually closer to the Lord. I’m not going to judge you for doing the spiritual practices that bring you meaning and comfort and help you grow in faith, but if you are doing it for some expectation that He has of you, just stop. You are missing this moment to be at peace in His loving arms.

Here’s what you can give up for Lent this year: give up the expectations. Just stop seeking Him because of the expectations. He has none. Zero. Zip. Nadda. Simply seek the LONG EXPECTED Jesus who is already HERE. He’s the real deal, the one that is both shepherd AND king of our hearts. He doesn’t need us to DO anything to fight for Him or save anyone or make people stop behaviors because they are “sinning”. HE is the one that will do the saving. You are not doing Him or anyone any favors with displaying your righteousness. I promise. He might hate the sins but He ABSOLUTELY 100% LOVES the people. He loves YOU and He loves our neighbors. ALL of them. Every single one. Yep, even that Trans youth that Greg somehow decided is not worthy in God’s kingdom. Just shut the hell up already, Greg! (Listen my LGBTQ friends – you are WANTED in God’s kingdom, just as you are!)

People need to see your cracks, your flaws, your messiness. We need to let others have cracks and flaws, and messiness. People need to see that you are real. (Well, don’t be a mean person on purpose…that’s not really helpful. I mean, there is a balance to what I’m saying. You should probably also apologize sometimes…just saying.). And when you follow it up with “and this is what Jesus did in my life…”, and here’s a cup of soup and a cookie. Now THAT is true salt and light! Let’s do THAT for Lent and EXPECT that it is enough.

Facing the Anxiety of the Unknown

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Or is it???

In traditional fashion, the new year has arrived with fireworks and fanfare, toasts and celebration. And more than any other week of the year it is the promise of a fresh start that prompts goal setting and resolutions, organizing, and quitting of bad habits taking place all over the globe. Perhaps we rang in the new year with smaller crowds, a change of plans, or celebrating alone but the new year is here whether we are ready to face it or not.

Around the world, we have seen our fair share of trauma, loss, fear, anxiety, stress, frustration, conflict, anger, disappointment, and plain old survival. And aren’t we all just TIRED of talking about it??? Don’t you love how people keep pointing that out, like we need the reminder we are in this common, perpetual state of dealing with hard things? I don’t know about you but I look back at the crazy year we had in 2020 at the onset of the pandemic, with it’s political and racial unrest here in America and I was never more thankful for a NEW year and a fresh start when January 1st, 2021 arrived. Of course, I think we all thought things would get better within a few months, or at least by the fall, and couldn’t imagine we would still be wearing masks and fighting with people over vaccine mandates and Covid protocols. Even as there are MANY blessings we have seen this year, here we are, STILL facing many of the same challenges. And just for “extra credit” we are facing a new variant and few more obstacles to tackle.

I woke up this morning slightly hesitant to feel happy that I got to flip the year on the calendar. It’s quite a mix of emotion. While I am glad to put 2021 behind me, and personally I can count many monumental things that would cause me to be thankful for a challenging but important year, I am also unsure that “happy” is the emotion I would choose about the arrival of 2022. Instead, I would call what I’m feeling a moderate case of anxiety in facing another year with so much still unknown.

What does the future hold? What else is going to happen that will keep our brains into fight, flight or freeze? What ELSE do I need to be ready for? How long must we endure a state of living on the edge of our seats? And frankly I’m getting a little irritated that I did NOT sign up for this thrill ride or buy tickets to this show! Who’s in charge here??? Surely I am not alone in these questions.

To combat this mix of emotion, which had already been building over the last few days, I decided to start my day with a good breakfast and spent some time reflecting with an attitude of gratitude. I spent some time reading a devo, talking to God in my prayer journal, and wrote down some hopes for 2022 as well as some things I am grateful for. I am not setting resolutions this year for the 3rd year in a row, but it was more of an effort to put myself in a better mindset to just face TODAY. And tomorrow I will do the same practice to face the day I’m given. And the day after that, and the day after that. That’s my plan anyway.

After some time in reflection I decided to declutter. I put on some music that makes me happy and spent about an hour going through the living room, dining room, kitchen and my bedroom just picking up random things that needed to be put away, thrown away, or teacher gifts that needed to find a home. I filled a trash bag, cleaned off several surfaces, and found a few things I had forgotten about. It felt very productive and helped me feel like I was back in control of at least my surroundings.

And finally after a few hours of reflection and productivity, I decided to hop on Facebook for a few minutes to catch up with “my people” before I ate lunch. I was promptly faced with some memories that popped up and sent me sliding back into a place of anxiety. On this same day for many years I have posted encouragement and inspiration expressing hope for a fresh start and a “great” year ahead, and yet seeing the dates of those posts sent me into a swirl of emotion reminding me that I had no idea what was coming, and the challenges I would face.

In 2016 I was actually pretending I was “happy” about the new year when in reality I was in a very dark place. Looking back that was a year I faced many challenging highs and lows, and actually expressed the following January that it had been my hardest year so far in my adult life. In 2017 I found myself on the upward swing from the year before only to finish the year with turbulent job changes for both Tom and I, and our home in disarray with an unwanted post-flooding remodel. In 2018 I again found myself on an upward swing of finding closure after the flood, and settling into a new “routine” with both sons graduating high school and college respectively but with our oldest son at home waiting to enter the Navy. Into 2019 where we would welcome our “bonus” kid for a year and a half, to again face one of the hardest years yet in 2020. One after one, these memories reminded me that I am never prepared for what lies ahead.

And YET, there was still a reminder of hope. One memory in particular from 8 years ago did actually bring me back around full circle to setting my mind in the right place to face the unknown of 2022 yet again. I had shared a post from a local pastor, who had shared a story about a friend calling his son on the phone from across the globe. This father had explained to his son about the date line and that he was calling from tomorrow. The son told his mother after he got off the phone that dad had called from tomorrow and everything was going to be Ok.

I really needed that reminder and I bet you need it too.

I think the thing that is most helpful in this reminder for me personally is the assurance I have that with God, everything will be OK. Obviously we know that the people on the other side of the date line can’t warn us about what is ahead, so where does our hope come from about tomorrow? With God, we are not promised tomorrow, and we are definitely not promised an easy life, but dammit if we don’t always HOPE for good days, and sunshine, and no traffic, and polite people, and a raise and a cupcake on our desk for doing good work 🙂 It’s really too bad we can’t have it both ways.

But with God, I trust Him. I trust that He is a good God, that loves me and gives me free will to make choices, and everyone else does too. So we can’t control the world around us and we can’t control what might happen tomorrow or the next day, but we CAN control our mindset to face what comes and focusing on God’s goodness assures me that it’s going to be OK.

Sucky things are going to happen in 2022, I am sure of it. That’s the bad news. The good news is, good things will happen too. And when I take the time to “call” God each morning, and talk to Him where I know and TRUST that He is already on the other side of the date line, He will remind me that even though I may not know what lies ahead, I am going to be OK because of His promises to be WITH me, to go before me, and to never leave me.

I will most assuredly face hard things tomorrow or the day after that, but I will face them one day at a time, and I will not face them alone.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” – Deuteronomy 31:8

LET’S GET PRACTICAL! HERE ARE 5 TIPS I’VE STOLEN FROM OTHERS THAT HAVE HELPED ME FACE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION:

  • Drink more water and less of everything else. This doesn’t need explanation. Your body will thank you. You need to drink HALF your body weight in ounces and a MINIMUM of 64 oz. of water with ZERO added sweeteners or additives EVERY day for your body and MIND to function at it’s maximum potential.
  • Commit to A plan for your nutrition and use a reminder app to eat – it doesn’t matter WHAT nutrition plan you choose (paleo, low carb, weight watchers, Optavia, etc.) as much as it matters how often you eat. I have tried ALL the plans. Seriously. And I’ve found that you have to find what works for YOU so you can maintain a LIFESTYLE of healthy eating. So PICK one and COMMIT to it. If you DECIDE to be successful you are more likely to actually BE successful. But what is consistently helpful for ANY plan is eating smaller meals more often. I use the “Eat Wise” app and love that it reminds me to eat every 2.5-3 hours. I get to set the reminders and it helps me eat for fuel, not based on my feelings, and keep my metabolism and blood sugar at an even level. How does this help anxiety and depression? Well, if it’s not obvious, eating a bunch of junk randomly throughout the day, not thinking about WHAT you’re putting in your mouth, or not eating at all can lead to massive fluctuation in your blood sugar and hormones, not to mention how it can affect your weight and your health. Eating harmful foods can also lead many people to have chemical imbalances which lead to mood swings and can aggravate personality disorders and alter the affects of medications. It can also lead some to self medicate with drugs, alcohol, or over eating. I’m not an expert, but if you are depressed or suffer from frequent anxiety, water and nutrition is the FIRST thing you should be addressing to HELP.
  • Get more sleep. GOOD LORD THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME!!!! The experts say 7-8 hours but honestly you need to figure out what your body NEEDS. For me what works is a consistent bed time and wake-up, so I aim for 6+ during the week and catch up on the weekend. People that need more sleep should get more sleep. Sleep is when your body recovers and makes many important brain chemicals like serotonin, a mood stabilizer. I learned many years ago that it helps me a LOT have more better days if I eat more protein and get more sleep so my body can make enough serotonin. Also, consistency helps my body go into a deeper sleep even if it’s only for 6 hours.
  • When I am feeling extra anxiety/depression I stop and do at least 1-5 of the following things (depending on the severity or how much time I have) that are proven to help me ride the wave: intentional breathing, meditation, lay on the floor and stretch, go outside and get some sunshine, put on relaxing or upbeat music, ask a friend for a hug, call a trusted friend or counselor to talk it out, watch a funny video and laugh, have a dance party, take a walk, take a hot or cold shower, clean/organize (IF that helps your anxiety, not make it worse), pray, write, sing, enjoy a hobby, AND sit in the dark/quiet for a few minutes. I have found the “10 percent happier” meditation app very helpful this year as a new way I am dealing with stress/anxiety/depression.
  • Put your negative thoughts on trial and be KINDER to yourself – I have started having a literal trial in my mind with my thoughts but in a gentle way. I call them out and start asking questions. I follow Dr. Becky at “Good Inside” and the number one practice that has helped me the most this year is in HOW I speak to myself. Along with my therapist Linda, Dr. Becky taught me to befriend my critical mindset just like a best friend. It’s important to recognize that your negative mindset is trying to protect you and you have learned somehow that this is a motivator to “do better” so instead of getting more anxious at the negative mind, be thankful and express gratitude for how it is trying to help AND then practice flipping the messages into empowerment and affirmation. I chose the role of “big sister” because I didn’t have one growing up and it is a “relationship” that has helped me tell myself gentle messages like “your house might be a mess but YOU are NOT a mess” or “it is not your responsibility to fix the sadness/anger/disappointment your student is feeling. You are still a good teacher even if you can’t fix what’s wrong.” Recognizing my negative mindset, asking myself what it is trying to protect me from, and choosing to speak in more affirming words like an encouraging big sister has helped tremendously. Maybe it sounds weird to you but it helps. If you want to choose the role of mom, dad, big brother, whatever. The most important thing is that you get to flip your negative self into a friend instead of an enemy. I hope this practice will help you as much as it has helped me.

What Is That SMELL?

I’ve become more and more appreciative of tastes and smells this last year, especially as I’ve worked on my health habits, embracing meditation and relaxation for better mental health, and of course the ongoing awareness of whether I might lose my sense of taste and smell with Covid 19! Thankfully that hasn’t happened. I’ve especially become more and more aware of the smells that really calm me, and also those that set me on edge.

Fresh baked cookies.

Cool, crisp air after a hard rain.

The “sleep” lotion on my bedside table with lavender and chamomile.

Fresh flowers cut from the garden.

Clean sheets fresh out of the dryer.

And also…Dog poop.

Sour milk in a tumbler accidentally left in the lunch kit over the weekend.

Chopped onion gone bad.

Dirty socks.

Sweaty children.

Sometimes life stinks. No, really. Literally. Sometimes it LITERALLY stinks.

Take the story of Lazarus in the Bible, for example.

Lazarus died and Jesus raised him UP. But before that, he was dead in the tomb for four days and there was “an odor”, his sister Martha says.

“Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So, they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” – John 11:38-44

Now just imagine for a moment this scene. I could write a lot about Jesus’ friendship with Mary, Martha, and their brother Lazarus. I could write a WHOLE lot about the fact that Jesus knew Lazarus was sick and waited until Lazarus died to perform this miracle. But what I want to zoom in and focus our lens on right here, if we were to take a snapshot of this scene, is that this is really the moment, the ACT, the THING that is going to get Jesus arrested the next week. And Jesus knows it, and He does it ANYWAY.

I would never presume to know what Jesus is thinking, but what we can deduct from the scripture account is that Jesus VERY MUCH knows what He’s doing, and He is setting the scene for his arrest and crucifixion, so He can SAVE us with His substitutionary sacrifice and resurrection. He is about to overcome death Himself and this is the prelude, the overture, the warmup act.

But Lazarus and the people He cares for in this story are so much more important to Jesus than just the subjects of this miracle, and what I want to draw your eye to is a key point in what Martha says to Jesus. Let me remind you.

“Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.”

Can you imagine how stinky it would be for them to roll away the stone of the tomb and the waft of stinky air from Lazarus’ dead body to zing straight into their nostrils? I mean, SERIOUSLY!!!! I’m not sure I could handle it. How about you?

All those people that had come to console Mary and Martha are standing around about to witness this incredible miracle and before they SEE what Jesus does, they get to SMELL Lazarus’ dead body.

I have thought about this a lot in the past year about “stinky” people. I’m not talking about literal stinky people that need to take a shower (although I put up with a lot of stinky band kids climbing in my minivan over the years, so I know all about that and I am glad those years are behind me). I’m talking about people that are just mean and nasty. Their words and actions are plain stinky.

What has become very apparent in this last year especially, with all the political discord, but also true at many times in my life, is that Christians especially can be plain STINKY.

Hear me out.

I will just confess right now that I have not always had the cleanest mouth. One time, back in 9th grade there was this mean bus driver. She was not nice. I mean, she was a yeller, and I was sure that she hated me. It was probably because we were loud, bratty teenagers, tired at the end of the day on a hot bus, getting on her last nerve. But I kind of thought a lot of myself back then and probably needed a little humility, and I have confessed this to Jesus full stop but on my last day on her bus, when my family was moving to Houston, and I thought I wouldn’t see her ever again so “I’m going to give her a piece of my mind”, I literally cussed her out and told her off. Yep. I did. I was pretty stinky to her. I am sure to this day that if she met me and found out I’m a teacher now, she would be shocked, thinking I am the worst human alive. And on top of that, to know that I’m a CHRISTIAN Bible teacher too. That is pretty pathetic and VERY stinky.

I’ve actually had a lot of guilt over that AND quite a few other stinky things I’ve done that I won’t list for you here. I’ve done much worse and I’ve had to confess that to God too. And I think the thing that I keep going back to, is that Lazarus is ME too. I was “stinky”, in the tomb, and Jesus said, “COME OUT!” He might have actually said it to Lazarus in real life 2000+ years ago, but He also says it to me every time I open my mouth and have to apologize for my stinky behavior.

2 Corinthians 2:14-17 says, “But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the AROMA of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.”

Friends, are we speaking like a fragrance from life to life or death to death? Do our words bring comfort like fresh baked cookies? Or do we sound like dog poo? Do we bring calm and reassurance like lavender and chamomile? Or do we make people want to run away from the sour milk? Do we bring reminders of death with our words? Or are we showing the way, the truth, and the life, pointing to Jesus with our kindness and love?

I’m not perfect for sure but I’ve smelled a lot of dog poo and sour milk being thrown around this last year with stinky words, especially when it’s on social media and many become “keyboard warriors”. I’m just sayin’. Perhaps we need to be reminded that Jesus put up with the odor of Lazarus’ dead body at the tomb, in front of ALL those people, because He was preparing to sacrifice HIMSELF for YOU, and for ME, and for ALL of us.

He smells those odors we are tossing around. We need to throw out those rotten onions and get some Febreze found in God’s word. Let’s get out the dryer sheets and fluff those towels with some humble prayers of confession. Or maybe we need to get on our knees and wash those stinky socks AGAIN, and AGAIN! We need to wash those stinky words right out of our mouths and stop them before they even leave our brains. Let’s take a step back and do some apologies. Let’s pause before we type that heated response to that person we think is an insult to humanity. Let’s do the repair work to end the conflict and come together as the AROMA of Christ.

He works THROUGH US. Jesus could do it any way He wants and He chooses to do His work by inviting us to be a part of it WITH Him. We are the AROMA that leads others TO Jesus. We actually don’t even do it with wonderful words, quoting beautiful scripture, or preaching the gospel. Yes, that does do it sometimes, but more often it is the FRAGRANCE of Jesus IN us, that others see and smell. And they say, “Yeah, I want some of that!”

If I could go back and apologize to that bus driver I would. It’s been 35+ years and I don’t even remember her name. I probably didn’t even know her name in the first place, honestly, I still feel horrible about it. I still mess up on the regular but I’m such a different person now, than I was then, and I WISH with all my heart that I had been the sweet aroma of Christ to her instead. Who knows how that might have impacted her life differently? Maybe MY life wouldn’t have impacted hers any differently than just a kid on a bus, but I’ll never know because all I did was leave my “stink”.

I can’t change the past, but I CAN be a sweet fragrance of LIFE today for my family, my students, my coworkers, my friends, the customer service rep on the other end of the phone, and even my political enemy on social media.

My hope, friends, is that you have the opportunity to have someone in your life that is the fragrance that is so pleasing that it leads you straight into the arms of Jesus, full of comfort, calm, kindness, life, and love. If you don’t, I sure hope that I would have the opportunity to tell you about the GRACE and friendship He has given me, free of charge. On this Holy Week, may He be as REAL as real can be for you. Pick your favorite smell and He is the BEST version of that, plus all the other favorite smells wrapped up in one. He is that calming, that lovely, that sweet, and His friendship and love is that beautifully heartwarming.

If your heart has been wounded, it can greatly affect the aroma of His Grace, because the hardness and pain of the world will cause you think He has given you a stinky life. I am here to tell you that He loves you, just the way you are, and He does NOT wish for you to experience ANY of it alone, nor does He enjoy that you are in pain. Even if you are a Christian and already know Him, sometimes the hard things of life cause us to have to admit to ourselves that we need a REFRESH on our aroma. He is grieved that you have faced suffering and He will never give up pursuing a relationship with you to surround you with His love. He gave EVERYTHING, and He did it for YOU. If you feel like you are in the tomb, bound in death rags and stinky, He says “Come out.” He is waiting with open arms to bring you to new life, and give you a new AROMA of joy and goodness.

They Know Not What They Do

I might ruffle your feathers a little today. I’ve just spent the last couple days sitting on a porch by myself in the country and I invite you to pull up a chair on the porch with me. I would like to talk about a sensitive topic and I invite you to stick around, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable. Sometimes, we need to talk about hard things. Sometimes we “know not what we do”.

Let’s talk about being righteous AND being liked. I’m a pleaser. I want to be liked. Doesn’t everyone? And this post will perhaps NOT get me a lot of likes. But I’m taking a risk and not writing it for “likes” or for “righteousness”. I’m simply sharing my journey.

Yep, it’s a sensitive topic perhaps because we all like to think we’re “good” people. We want to be liked and we all think we are likeable and “good”…until someone makes us feel like we’re not.

This last year has been a year, more than ever before, that has been HARD on all of us FOR REEEELZ but has been marked most profoundly with the fact that I have personally struggled to feel “liked”. I have actually felt disliked by many much of the time. Oh, I definitely have friends. I have discovered who my REAL friends are. These are the people that I know are FOR me, even if they disagree with me. I most DEFINITELY know who those friends are. (thank you dear people, who are MY people 🙂 I have found though that the journey to discover who I really am, who I really want to be, and fighting my own doubtful mind for the RIGHT to be the real me, overcoming a painful past, even if I’m not “liked” by others, is MY journey alone with Jesus, and it can be EXCRUCIATINGLY hard, painful, and very lonely.

I’ve always felt inclined to speak up for things that mattered to me, and I’m not shy on sharing my opinions but I’ve always made it a priority to keep it somewhat in check because ultimately I have always wanted the audience (whether this was 1 person or 500) to LIKE me. The motivation for this has almost always been like “Sally Field getting an Oscar” level of “you like me, you really like me”. I’m having to re-learn (or unlearn, really) how to give up trying for the Oscar. That is no longer the goal…most days. I’m not perfect at it yet. Stay tuned. I’m trying.

This last year my eyes have been opened to see clearly that more needs to be done. There’s a hell of a lot more wrong with the world that we can’t be silent about. My eyes have been opened because I started asking questions and decided to SEE what before I had not wanted to see. And I decided to look deeply at things that were scary and hard to learn about, and things I’m still not sure I fully understand. I have actually been blind to how much I followed the narrative of “the world” around me. I thought this world consisted of following Jesus and it turns out, many of those I associated myself with are following the “idea” of Jesus because they “do good things” and go to church and talk about how they follow Him, especially when it comes to the work of “the church” and certain issues that sound “Christian”. But in reality, I’ve found that I was in a bubble, somewhat sheltered from what was a completely different life experience for a LOT of people and I hadn’t seen it. Not really, and I thought I did. I’ve found that when this bubble popped for me (in reality, it was more like a slow leak over many years that I didn’t understand), that truly following Jesus isn’t just going to church, and lunching with your Bible study group, and “following the rules” and volunteering at VBS and raising “good” kids.

Following Jesus actually leads you to the CROSS, right next to Him.

I’m not saying that to judge someone else’s level of “righteousness” or to give anyone a rating on how good or bad a Christian they are. I promise it’s not to shame or condemn or point fingers. That’s not my aim here and it definitely wouldn’t be helpful to condemn being judgmental with more judgement. Isn’t that what we call hypocritical? The fact is, I’m truly sharing my journey of how I began to really do the work beyond just “justification” to allow God to do the work of “sanctification”. I began to look more deeply at myself and found “rotten fruit” in my own life. When I saw the rotten fruit I started looking at the roots that need to be dug up. And I’m working on growing new ones. I have found I need to check my own actions, so I’m speaking up because God is showing me a new view. He’s showing me that my silence on seeing the things that break His heart is not OK. I can’t now unsee what I have seen.

My shared opinions in recent months have NOT been popular by extended family members and many friends who (it turns out) are not actually “friends” because perhaps we were only friends by default of being “on the same team”, when in reality we actually are not. I thought we were on the same team, but as my views have not been well received, it has damaged many of my relationships. I have been “unfriended”, unfollowed, and dismissed. I have been accused, criticized, and even condemned. I have been attacked, called names, and had things said about me that seem utterly ridiculous and childish. Most of this is in the name of “righteousness” which has been confusing and hurtful but mostly disappointing.

And I know I am not the only one. I found a private Facebook group for those all over America (and actually the world) that have found themselves in a similar situation. They have Christian loved ones and friends attempting to define what you can and can’t be FOR, trying to navigate the great divide that many on the “other side” do not want to attempt to cross. We have found ourselves wrestling with those that want to keep things the way they are, broken and dysfunctional, when we are just fighting for a life that’s better than “broken” for EVERYONE. Many of us feel spiritually and politically homeless because of the labels that people have placed on each other and frankly we’re exhausted. Can any of you relate?

I have been asking God for many months, “When are you going to rescue me from this madness? When will we find some peace in this division? Why can’t I JUST get some of these “friends” to understand that I SEE what breaks your heart God and I’m just trying to be my TRUE, AUTHENTIC SELF, speaking up about what needs to be spoken up about? Why has this turned into a spiritual, political and culture war all at the same time??? When will they just accept me for who I am and MORE IMPORTANTLY see others that are being persecuted for who THEY are? I don’t need them to agree with me, but it would be nice if they would SEE that I’m a person, and my neighbor is a person too! Is there something WRONG with me? Are you even listening? Do you really know how I feel???”

Jesus has answered me in gentle whispers every time I have cried out this year over this. He said, “In this life, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” (John 10:10).

He also says, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:12-14)

And this, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.” (John 15:18-19)

And the most treasured whisper was this, “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings, I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!” (Psalm 57:1-3)

Except when God whispered this to me He said, “I AM merciful. In ME your soul can take refuge. In ME you can rest in the shadow of My wings. I WILL put to shame any who trample you. I WILL send out my steadfast love and be faithful.”

So I believe Him and I cling to this truth. And my question to God was, “But what if they are fellow Christians? They claim to know you and yet, they are not showing that they love me, their “neighbor” for speaking up in defense of my black neighbor who has been persecuted, or in defense of the woman who feels trapped in an unwanted pregnancy, or for a gentle soul living in condemnation from his own mother and the church over his sexual orientation. God, I KNOW that YOU love them, and I want them to KNOW your love. What do I do if others that claim to know you, don’t actually SHOW that they KNOW you and LOVE their neighbor?”

So, God led me to this text in Luke 23:32-43:

“Two others, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with him. 33 And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left.

34 And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’

And they cast lots to divide his garments. 35 And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, ‘He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!’ 36 The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him sour wine 37 and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” 38 There was also an inscription over him, ‘This is the King of the Jews.’

39 One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, ‘Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!’ 40 But the other rebuked him, saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? 41 And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.’ 42 And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” 43 And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

I’m not an expert, but in wrestling with God over this for a good part of a year, what I’ve come to terms with is it is up to me to find a way to be content with WHO I AM in Christ, and that’s all I can do. He calls me to LEAN on Him and let Him worry about the rest. Jesus said, “forgive them, for they know not what they do” and that means I work on forgiveness on my end for the wrongs that have been done to me and keep my eyes on Him. The rest is out of my control. It does not mean it won’t hurt. It does not mean it won’t be lonely. It does not mean that relationships won’t be hard and there is no promise they will be reconciled. And for God, what MATTERS to Him is MY heart. He cares more about my HEART than whether I am “liked”. He cares more about my journey with HIM than whether I am “righteous”. He asks me to check myself, set appropriate boundaries that help me cling to Him, release these burdens into His care and let Him take care of the rest. He asks me to Love HIM and Love my neighbor. That’s it. He says to me very plainly, “OPEN YOUR HANDS AND RELEASE WHAT YOU ARE CARRYING! They know NOT what they do, but I DO know what I am doing.”

Jesus has already overcome this battle with the enemy in the spiritual realm. He has ALREADY DONE IT. It is FINISHED. He overcame death. The problem for us humans is do we BELIEVE it. We wrestle and fight with each other, even well intended self-proclaimed Christians, because we desperately want to know who has the right answer to the question…

“Am I righteous ENOUGH?”

And so, we question whether someone else is righteous enough in the process. The extent of our judgment gets down into the mud of comparison instead of keeping ourselves in the LIGHT.

Oh we are so desperate to be in the LIGHT, and by default our efforts fall into “trying to be RIGHT” territory. We are ALL guilty of questioning and comparing. We do it to ourselves and we do it to each other. Raising my hand, guilty as charged! Instead of putting on the garments we have been given at the foot of the cross, we gamble away “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Colossians 3:12). For YEARS, I have tried to forcefully put these “garments” on others, without first putting them on myself.

We have stood by, watching and scoffing, as we have asked our fellow brothers and sisters to “save yourself” because they are seen as too lazy, or too “unchristian” or too “unamerican” or not enough “like us”. This was why Jesus was crucified. He was not the “King” they wanted. The Pharisees accused Him of “breaking the rules” but He actually followed the ONE rule that God commanded: Love me, Love Your Neighbor. They did not think He was enough “like us”. And He did not “save Himself” on the cross within their time frame. He was definitely not what they thought He should be, but He was everything they NEEDED Him to be.

If you are willing to read ahead, it turns out that Jesus does actually save Himself, but not before He accomplished His ultimate task of taking YOU and ME with Him. (John 20) He did not do it the easy way like anyone expected and we won’t be able to either. BUT we do get a “free ride” in the end to be with Him in paradise, when we ask Him to “remember me when you come into your Kingdom”.

This is the part that we forget. It seems simple enough but really, we need a reminder every single day because we are at war with an Enemy who’s only mission is to convince us that we are anything but worth saving. Once we know Jesus and we say we want Him to be our Savior, we are in. Our eternal souls are sealed (justification). But not our fully human minds (sanctification). The Enemy will pull every single trick in the book to deceive and manipulate and cause us to doubt and compare with the question “Am I righteous ENOUGH?”

And guess what? YOU ARE. You are ENOUGH.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Because this is a gift Jesus gives freely without any effort on your part. You cannot do a DAMN thing to make God love you any more or any less. You cannot save yourself. You cannot save anyone else either with your “truth” and finger shaking and mudslinging. Anything else someone might have told you is a flat out lie.

You see, it is really quite simple. But we forget that it IS IN FACT that simple and we make it complicated. Jesus sits on the throne and says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” and He’s talking about US. He’s not just talking about the ones you have labeled “criminals”, my friends. He’s talking about US! ALL of us. Instead of condemnation and ridicule for our Pharisee-like “righteous finger pointing” when we walk right past the “stripped and beaten victim on the side of the road,” (see the story of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10) He says, “I want THAT ONE.” And he’s talking about YOU, and ME, the ones that have chosen NOT to see what breaks God’s heart, and walk right by, and don’t speak up, and really don’t deserve His gift of grace at all.

In spite of everything that makes sense in our judgmental world, Jesus advocates for us and does not do it the way the world would do it. He looks at you and me and sees only love because He WANTS you, every broken piece, every particle that hates and wants to cuss out the “other side” that you are afraid is trying to take your freedom away, and every cell in your soul that cries out, just wanting to be liked, AND be “righteous”.

But what about this idea that there will be an accounting of our life at the end? Am I saying that people should be allowed to burn down Target just because they are mad about racial injustice? Am I saying that we should just look the other way at all the wrongs of our children or our government? Surely I’m not saying people should be able to get away with breaking into our homes and have to give away all our hard earned money, right? Doesn’t God require us to SHOW that we are following Jesus with our actions? Yes, yes, He does. And HE will be the one to decide if the fruit of our hearts were worthy, and He does command us to follow laws in our earthly world, but our actions do not determine His love for us, and definitely do not make or break our salvation.

Our loving behavior toward one another most certainly is the most important fruit that He wants to grow in us. He sees, He hears, He knows who He will equip for the important tasks in this life of love AND justice, and it is dependent on us submitting to HIS power IN and THROUGH us, not by our own efforts.

Rest easy weary comrade. He likes you. He really, really likes you. It’s an Oscar level type LOVE that He wants to affirm in you (except He’s not really about awards and accolades in the traditional sense…think more ETERNAL!) Even the parts you try to hide in the shadows. Even if you have hurt people because you are one of those hurting people. Even if you now see that you need to right the wrongs in your own doing of trying to be “right”. He doesn’t always like your behavior but He created you ON purpose FOR a purpose and He LOVES you, every molecule. Every. Single. BIT. Let Him LOVE you to your core and therefore let Him help you Love your neighbor, even if you do not like her and you think she knows not what she is doing.

You will be more likeable simply by allowing His light to shine as an outpouring of His love for you, and His light will do the work. Receive it well and release it freely. Go in peace, my friend. I am FOR you, but more importantly HE IS FOR YOU! He is that kind of friend and that’s the BEST kind.

Who Are You Looking For?

On left: With my mom at the Garden Tomb, Jerusalem, 1970

In 1970, my parents traveled with me as a baby for 4 months through Asia and Europe. They were young and energetic and wanted to see the world. There are pictures of me at the Taj Mahal, the Parthenon, traveling by rickshaw in India, and here at the tomb where it is believed Jesus was buried after He was crucified, and then resurrected. I have no memories of these places and yet it is still remarkable to me that I can say I have SEEN these landmarks.

Every picture tells a story and there is so much more to my story here that you don’t see. But what I want to focus on and propose to you today is the power of reading the stories of Jesus with a visual in your mind to provide a deeper insight. So even though I don’t have a picture for the story I want to share today, I hope you will use this one here as an acceptable substitute. Would you be willing to go with me in your mind to a Holy Place, a tomb, and imagine for a moment showing up here and SEEING Jesus with your own eyes?

I want to share a passage with you today from John 20:11-18, and take a deeper look at a woman who loved Jesus deeply and faced tremendous grief when He died. It might seem odd to share this story during Lent because it is one that is usually shared at Easter and we’re a little early for that. I think though that it is never too early to talk about grief, expectations, and disappointment, and the HOPE that is in knowing Jesus personally. So let’s dive in and see what we can learn today from Mary Magdalene and her visit to Jesus’ tomb.

“Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12 and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. 13 They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” 14 At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

15 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” 16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”). 17 Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” 18 Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.”

In verse 11, the first thing we learn about Mary is that she is standing outside the tomb crying. So let’s back up and make sure everyone understands WHY she is crying. In case you aren’t aware of the story, Jesus has been crucified, died, and buried in a tomb. I encourage you to read for yourself this account in John 19 We’re going to talk more about the significance of this as we get closer to Easter, but for now, I think it’s important to focus on this one part of the story.

Mary was a follower of Jesus and there are several accounts in the Gospels to show how much she loved him, so we can only imagine how heartbroken she was at his wrongful death, thinking that it was the END. For Mary, and the disciples, there was no clear understanding that He had been telling them all along what was REALLY going to happen. In hindsight we can see that He knew what was going to happen, and we can celebrate the joyous end to this story and the GIFT of salvation that Jesus gives all of us in His sacrifice and RESURRECTION.

But in this moment, we see a glimpse of her heartache and can SEE that she is clearly distraught and full of grief over her understanding of the finality of His life. For Mary, there is no hope and vision of how to move forward. She doesn’t know how this moment has already changed the world. There is no “it will work out” for her. Everyone that has lost someone dearly loved can imagine, for her, it feels as if her world as ended.

So, let’s get practical for a sec. If your favorite teacher that you had been following around for 2 or so years, that had made a significant impact on your life, that made you feel completely unconditionally loved, had just been killed, and in your heartbreak you go to visit his gravesite. You probably haven’t fully realized that even though you believe your teacher to be the Messiah, you don’t even fully understand what that MEANS! You are in mourning and you KNOW in a practical sense that your teacher is dead, gone, not coming back. When you go to the gravesite and you see sitting there two angels, are you going to calmly answer their questions??? I mean, really?

Maybe it’s that she’s in a bit of shock. Ok, that’s an acceptable explanation. But REALLY??? No reaction to TWO ANGELS, just sitting there, hanging out like it’s a casual Sunday with nothing else to do??? OHEMGEEEEEEEEE. I would be freaking out!!! I wouldn’t be able to contain myself. Even if I still didn’t know that JESUS HIMSELF had risen, it’s TWO ANGELS. I mean, COME ON!!!!!! I would really love to ask her who she thought they were, if she didn’t realize they were angels.

The reality is that she misses the angels completely and when they ask her “why are you crying?”, she says, very simply, “they have taken my Lord away.” (Is it just me or does John write this much more calm than it probably was in reality???) So who is “they” and at this point is she thinking his body has been stolen? I’m not sure if she’s actually thinking straight in her grief, and that’s ok. It’s to be expected that she would be not aware and focused on things that might seem trivial things to others. This situation doesn’t make sense to her I’m sure.

Grief is different for each person isn’t it? How one person reacts to loss might seem completely shocking and to another, dismissive. We all process in our own way, and Mary here is concerned about Jesus’ body, where it is and why it’s missing. She is not concerned with the fact that she is having a conversation with heavenly beings. I like to think that I would totally recognize the magnificence of talking to angels, but I’m not so sure. We truly don’t always SEE the full picture of a situation when we are in the midst of trauma, grief and loss.

And here’s where we get to the heart of this part of the story and in my opinion, the most important part. Jesus is there WITH her. He shows up. He just conquered death. He can do whatever He wants. But He takes the time to comfort Mary in her grief and SHOW UP. We see in verse 14 that she turns around, she sees Him standing there and in her grief she doesn’t recognize Him. She thinks He’s the gardener and has possibly taken the body of her dearly loved Rabboni, teacher.

He asks her why she is crying to show His compassion and then he oddly asks “WHO are you looking for?” Would you agree with me that this is an interesting question? First of all, He already knows the answer, so why ask? Secondly, why doesn’t He just tell her who He is when He sees she is distraught?

The final part of this passage is truly lovely so let’s not miss it. Mary doesn’t recognize Jesus with His first questions, but when He says her NAME, she does and her eyes are opened. It is in this intimate moment that she recognizes Him and is filled with joy. Why? Because saying her name shows that He SEES her. He KNOWS her.

She shows her honor and respect to Him by calling Him “teacher” and it seems she grabbed ahold of Him. I mean, that’s what I would do. It’s SHOCKING that He DIED and now HERE HE IS!!! And Jesus, understanding His true purpose, asks her to NOT hold on to Him so He can FINISH what He started. He must ascend to the Father and send the Holy Spirit. So He asks her to GO and TELL.

I want to break this down a little bit for us with some application, so here’s what I think about this story of grief and how it relates to you and me, Jesus meets us where we are in our grief. He SEES us there, asks WHY we’re crying, even though He already knows the answer. He wants us to know that He is WITH is. And He asks because He wants us to TELL Him about our pain. He wants to comfort. He wants to be a FRIEND.

Friends, grief, loss, and heartache are obviously different for every person and we should all be able to handle it in our own way, not dictated to us by others, not forced to “get over it”, and our pain definitely not dismissed. The hardest part of grief is that we don’t always SEE Jesus, when the sadness clouds our eyes, or perception. We don’t always recognize that He is WITH us and wants to bring comfort so we feel alone, and even paralyzed to act.

And for all practical purposes, in our grief, Jesus IS who we are looking for, we just don’t always know it. Jesus IS who we NEED.

There are many causes of trauma and something interesting happens in the brain with trauma where we get what I call “fog brain”. In a very real way, the Amygdala is the part of the brain that fires up to help us survive and “protect” us so our thinking center of the brain gets disconnected. When that happens, our brains are focused on survival and meeting our basic needs. Like, for real, many synapses physically do not have pathways of connection and we can’t think straight. Scientifically it allows us to sort of go on auto pilot, but not always very well and that is why so many of us are in “fight, flight, or freeze” brain all the time as of late. This is one reason why depression can be so debilitating. We are physically in a brain disconnect.

So that’s what’s happening here with Mary and that is what we need Jesus FOR. He reminds us we are not alone. He knows our NAME and shows us that He knows us intimately and deeply, and sees our pain. When we are willing to be vulnerable and personal with Him, that’s when we RECOGNIZE Him. When we open our hearts to His presence, He comes close to reveal Himself. When we HEAR His voice is when we SEE Him. In our case, in the 21st century, we don’t see Him with our eyes of course, we SEE Him with our hearts and minds, and we feel Him see our pain in our souls.

It starts with one step forward to look into the tomb. When I approach, to LOOK for Jesus, I have felt personally His presence at the very core of me, warming my soul, overwhelming me at times with His comforting love.

So WHO are you LOOKING for today my friend? Maybe this is not a day when you are experiencing grief or loss exactly, or failed expectations and disappointment (and maybe you are), but instead maybe you are just weary, tired, worn out, exhausted, ashamed of something, or in need of a hug?

Have you come to the “tomb” LOOKING for hope, not even believing you’re going to find any? Have you come hoping to SEE that everything is Ok? Have you come feeling like you don’t even know what to pray for or what the next steps are, or that you aren’t even worthy to come looking for Him? Jesus WILL meet you there. He will meet you right where you are, in that very place. Close your eyes, listen for His voice to say your name, SEE Him and go to Him, except THIS time it’s ok to NOT LET GO. Hold on to Jesus, my friend. Hold on. He is WITH you and He is not going to leave you.

For I believe that when you go looking, you too will say, “I have SEEN the Lord!”

Getting Over “Get Over It”

As I wrote in my last post, this Lenten season I am FASTING from

  • Unrealistic pressures and expectations
  • Worry, doubt and fear about things out of my control
  • Making decisions solely on making others “happy” and self denial at the expense of being “needed”

My plan was to intentionally focus on each of these, 2 weeks at a time, and writing about my experience and what God is teaching me. This blog post was supposed to be about giving extra attention to letting go of unrealistic pressures and expectations, and reality hit this week. I’m dealing with all 3, all the time.

Right off the bat I’m giving myself extra grace this week because not only did we have an “ice-apocalypse” down here in Texas, but sadly one of our dogs died on Friday. Lily was old. She was having lots of trouble getting around and having accidents in the house every day, as well as some other problems. She’s been holding on it seems for months and we’ve been saying “any day now”. She had seemed happy but restless the last few months until suddenly she seemed extra anxious, like she was in pain, so it was time to let her go. It was sad to say goodbye but it was the right thing to do, to end her suffering.

The next day I was cycling through grief in my head. I was fine, relieved and thankful when I woke up realizing I didn’t have to clean up an accident on the floor. And then I wasn’t fine, seeing her empty food bowl. I was fine again realizing that I could relax, not having to worry about trying to get her to relax and stop pacing. And then I wasn’t, listening to a quiet house. (until my other dog started snoring…)

My head played mind games with me all day, playing the guilt recording I know well.

“Was it the right decision?”

“What if she could have lived longer?”

“Maybe we let her go TOO long and she was suffering?”

“We could have taken better care of her.”

The TRUTH is, I know that those are voices of the enemy trying to discourage me because guilt that feels like condemnation does not come from God (Romans 8:1). Instead, God’s voice says, “I am with you. You are loved. Your decisions can be trusted when you are leaning on me. You showed mercy and love to a dearly loved part of my creation. I am pleased.” I know it is God’s voice because I have been practicing putting the voices I hear on trial, especially in decision making. I ask, “is that you Lord?” and I know that only the Lord can answer YES. (1 John 4:1-2)

Many of us are grieving, hurting, dealing with trauma, and down right struggling in the current season. Just when we think things might be improving from a pandemic lockdown, social isolation, economic hardships, illness, death, racial and political division, and a number of life’s other challenges, we get hit with an ice-apocalypse and the death of a beloved pet. We ask, is it ever going to end???

What I know to be true and I will keep reminding myself until it becomes a habitual voice that I listen to FIRST and not after doing brain gymnastics for 3 hours, is that GOD IS GOOD. And He CARES about my feelings. The hardships that I face MATTER to God. It may seem like He’s not doing anything, letting things fall apart, and that I’ve been abandoned, but that is a LIE. I won’t always understand it, and I will probably have to face sad feelings, pain, and heartbreak, but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God is good.

I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God is good.

So that gives me the freedom to take the pressure off myself, or anyone else, to fix the current mess I’m trying to clean up, or the broken pieces I’m trying to put back together, or fill the hole that has been left with the loss of my fur friend. I can’t fix that. But Jesus can. I can’t put it back together. But Jesus can. I can’t fill the hole that Lily left. But JESUS can. We may not ever understand the WHY behind the hard and painful things we face but we CAN with confidence lean on the ONE who does. He gave up EVERYTHING for us. He knows. Our pain matters.

I’m taking the pressure off this week and not “require” myself to be happy. I get to be sad. Yep, I GET TO. I am allowing myself time to grieve. I’m taking the expectation off myself that I need to “get over it” and let Lily go. I’m feeling the feelings instead of dismissing them or beating myself up about it. I’m saying a prayer of gratitude for my “judgmental” self that has tried to serve me well, and protect me, and motivate me in the past with guilt for hard feelings. This is a part of my past self that wanted to protect me from staying down too long. This is the part of me that in the past somehow believed that there wasn’t room in a life walking with Jesus for sadness or anger. I am giving myself permission to let that part of me go, because in Christ there is ALWAYS ROOM for sadness and anger, especially when we bring it to HIM. I’m not an expert at that yet and that’s ok. The expectation of being “good” at not feeling guilty, or making room for sadness, or feeling the pressure to be happy has been released.

So why is it that in the Christian community we put pressure on ourselves to “get over it” with loss and grief, and traumatic things? Why is it that we tell people “they’re in a better place”, or “at least they are no longer suffering”, or dismiss the loss because it seems “minor” comparatively, as if the loss of a pet is less significant to a person or that your pipes breaking and flooding only one room “could have been worse”, and “at least it wasn’t…” has the intention of lifting someone’s spirits after loss, but is really about making the person that says it feel validated for “helping”. When we say that to someone, we are making it about OURSELVES, not them. We are diving into comparing their loss to our life experience or that of another, and in addition it shows that we are uncomfortable with hard feelings so we say things about another person’s loss to make ourselves feel better.

Side note here: That’s not intended to be a guilt trip from me to you, I promise. It’s human nature, something I’ve been intentionally learning how to do better, and I believe we need to talk about it. I’m all about getting some of these hard topics out in the open. Let’s no longer hide behind “hard things” that make us uncomfortable because we either don’t know enough about it, or don’t feel confident/comfortable talking about it, we don’t agree with the other person in the conversation, or we think we might be wrong so we just sugar coat it or ignore it. Perhaps we can all be mature enough and open minded enough to consider another point of view, to recognize that we might be seeing an issue from the wrong angle, be willing to listen toward understanding (even if we don’t agree) and that maybe it’s ok to learn from our mistakes.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? – Galatians 1:10

Back to the topic at hand, Theodore Roosevelt said that “Comparison is the thief of joy.” His quote is not scriptural exactly but still wise words and it is biblically based in Galatians 1:10 and Philippians 4:11-12. It’s really true, isn’t it? We are the primary victims of our own comparison most of the time, but it goes both ways when we listen to and receive or take into our minds comparison words. When we compare with anything, our joy is stolen. Or maybe even put another way, when we compare our life experience to others and make that our own truth, we GIVE IT AWAY. We literally in every way give away our joy.

When we compare loss or traumatic events, it even more so becomes a vacuum that sucks the life out of us. I have lived this lie for most of my life until last year when I began to really dig deep and address my unhappiness. I finally recognized, with the help of a professional counselor, and LOTS of journaling and prayer time with Jesus, that I had been allowing a traumatic season from my childhood to be in the category of “are you sure that’s what happened?” and “at least it wasn’t…” (fill in the blank) or “it could have been worse”. These were said to me by someone who I confided in, who loves me, and was trying to help. I’ve realized now that THAT was more about their own uncomfortableness with facing hard things and not about ME at all, but as a child the consequence was I dove head first into a life of comparison and people pleasing, living my WHOLE adult life

  • not fully trusting my own thoughts and feelings
  • not fully trusting others that say they “love” me when their actions don’t show they are FOR me (and everyone is going to let me down at some point), but continually feeling the pressure to win them over and receive their “validation”
  • comparing and diminishing/dismissing my feelings based on what I saw others doing/saying
  • comparing my life experiences to others and evaluating “truth” from their perspective, which is not MY truth at all

I’m over it. I don’t mean grief. I mean the dismissal of grief, loss, heartache and pain. Dismissal is no longer allowed. I’ve set a firm boundary. I refuse to meet the expectation that I must be “strong” because I know that a life with Jesus promises TRUE JOY. I believe it, but I don’t always feel it every hour of every day, and that is OK, and definitely not a reason to feel shame or guilt. I have permission from my Lord and Savior to BE WEAK lean in, be as sad as necessary for He will RECEIVE me there. I have permission to stop the guilt trip over it. I validate that voice or dismissal with “I see you. I recognize that you are trying to help. You are no longer needed for this work. Thank you and move along please.” I’m not going to beat up the voice of dismissal and wouldn’t the enemy just love it if I had another thing to feel guilty over, so I’m setting a boundary on that too.

The process of facing grief, loss, and healing from trauma and heartache takes a long time and I’m giving myself permission to feel all the feels. I’m speaking words of encouragement to the “Shelley within” that has been wounded and broken from heartache and I’m holding her hand, listening to her pain, smiling and nodding as she remembers sweet stories, committing to “weep with those who weep” as she mourns, and whispering “big sister” or “best friend” words of “I believe you” and “I’m with you”.

Dear friend, what are you facing today? Do you need to let go of expectations and pressures on how you “should” feel or what you “should” be doing? The “shoulds” are not serving you well, are they? Have you been comparing your loss to how others’ handle it, or dismiss your pain? Do you need to embrace your inner self that is hurting and become your own best friend, with the help of Jesus’ compassionate, loving partnership of salvation and healing. It is by HIS sacrifice and gift of grace that you no longer need to STRIVE or save yourself from this life of “try harder”. I know you’re tired. Me too, for real. I’m ready to hand over the striving and ACCEPT this tremendous gift of rescue. It just takes practice, repeat, and start again. You are not condemned for this. You and I are not alone. Take my virtual hand and let’s take that step toward getting over “get over it”, together. We can do it our own way, at our own pace, with God’s help.

SPOILER ALERT!

How Does the Story End?

Here’s the good news…we know how the story ends. And it ends well. WHEW! We could all use a happy ending, right?!?!

That would be the story of Easter, my friends. Today is the first day of the Season of Lent in the Christian church, when many follow a practice of “fasting” or sacrifice, to prepare our hearts for the celebration of the sacrificial GIFT that Jesus gave us when He overcame death on the cross.

I’m not Catholic, nor would I consider myself tied to a specific denomination at this point in my life…I guess I’m sort of a “mutt” Christian. In full transparency, I haven’t been inside a church building for over a year, which for many of us is primarily because of the Covid pandemic of course. It would also be true that I’m not that interested in hanging out in “the Church” in this season, and that is primarily because of the current divide over politics and social issues that have strained many relationships in, and outside “the Church”. I’m learning, growing, and seeking, exploring truths outside the church walls. So I’ve come here, to fellowship with you, my friends. To stand firmly on the truth that Jesus is who I cling to, not a building full of people, and therefore, there are many TRUTHS still to be told about His story, and how it has intersected with mine. I’m on a journey as a TRUTH SEEKER.

So I continue to seek truth that God is FOR me, and FOR His people. In case you aren’t familiar with His story, and in case you aren’t sure you believe in what the Bible says, you are welcome here to explore what you believe. Stay tuned as I help us navigate this season, and share this story with fresh eyes, and a tender heart. Yes, I know. This story is the cornerstone of the Christian faith and has been expounded upon numerous times by world scholars for almost 2000 years, so what makes me think I could actually shed new light on it without any “expert” credentials? I mean, I’m just a music teacher. I don’t even have a seminary degree or pulpit experience. (well, does VBS and worship leader count?) I don’t know how to decipher the ancient Greek or have all the books of the Bible memorized. Who am I to say anything that should be considered TRUTH?

My TRUTH is that I am “just” a Jesus follower and a truth seeker. I’m on a journey to know the ONE true God, more personally, more deeply, and more intimately, and nothing in the Bible says that I have to be an “expert” to do that. And EVERYTHING I’ve read and heard in my prayer time points to the truth that if I seek, I will find. Jesus has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that He wants to be my friend, and He has made it ABUNDANTLY clear to ME that my calling is to “GO AND TELL” and share about this friendship by the Spirit with others.

So HERE I AM! The “hot mess”, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants version of this age old story of RESCUE. Jesus fully and completely has rescued me. It’s MY story, so it’s TRUE from a fresh set of eyes, and from my heart. It’s the story of how I came seeking Jesus at the tomb and He is NOT THERE so I had to figure out what I believe. I don’t want to give away the ending without first telling you the story, so you’ll just have to stay tuned and see for yourself. Belief is always fully in the hands of the Believer. It is not mine to dictate or demand or coerce. So it is YOURS for the asking, and seeking, and the looking, and believing.

“Belief is always fully in the hands of the Believer.”

The Season of Lent is 40 days, starting today, Ash Wednesday. We’ll talk more about it in the days ahead. As I launch my new website and blog today, we are in the middle of a historic freeze down here in Houston, Texas, where I call home. I don’t know what the coming days ahead hold for me, or you, (it would be so cool to know the future!) but my plan as of today is to share a little of the journey I’ve already begun, and my “fasting” journey over these next 6 weeks or so. And beyond that, we’ll see where the journey of truth seeking takes us.

This fasting thing isn’t going to be a traditional type of fasting like giving up meat, or sugar, or alcohol, or anything like that. Are you kidding? We’re in a pandemic and I’m a teacher in the real world. There will be no giving up alcohol or sugar. Children might actually “suffer” and no one wants that. (Ha, ha – in all seriousness, I take my job of teaching very seriously and no child would ever be harmed on my watch).

Instead, I’m going to fast in ways that focus on self care, and take you along my journey as I learn to grow “new roots” in place of the ones that have been damaged and taken over by “sickness” and “disease” of false beliefs. God is showing me how to slowly dig up the ones that served me in ways that I thought were perhaps necessary as I navigated hard waters in the past, but in order to stay firmly planted in HIM, I must grow new ones. And we can’t just cut out the old ones either, or the tree is likely to fall over, so this process takes time, and relearning, and unlearning.

So, in this Season of Lent what will I be fasting?

  • Unrealistic pressures and expectations
  • Worry, doubt and fear about things out of my control
  • Making decisions solely on making others “happy” and self denial at the expense of being “needed”

I’m going to spend 2 weeks more intentionally focused on each and write about it. Will you join me in this “fast” and perhaps by Easter we’ll learn more together about

  • How our value and worth is not tied to what we “produce”. And maybe we’ll learn to release others from this burden as well to truly show more unconditional love to our family and neighbors.
  • How to trust God…really TRUST Him. Is full and complete trust even possible???
  • Having the wisdom to know what we can and can not control, and accept our opportunity to release unnecessary burdens that are not ours to hold onto

Perhaps we will also learn the most important message of all: that we are fully and completely LOVED by the Creator of the Universe (Spoiler Alert…it’s God, by the way) with tremendous devotion JUST AS WE ARE, and we were Created ON purpose FOR a purpose to do GOOD works. To do what we are uniquely being called to do, we must seek to KNOW Him and be equipped fully in Mind, Body, and Spirit. This is a spiritual truth and TOTAL WELLNESS that takes time, but God is patient and knows that you will seek Him and find Him when you seek with your whole heart, and you are READY to open your hands to receive the GIFTS He has for you.

I will say again, belief is fully in the hands of the BELIEVER. No one can decide that for you, so come and SEE for yourself.